A Sunday unlike any other

I looked forward to my meeting up with my Romiromi family after last weekends Wānanga. I was ready and content with taking my first steps away from Wikitoria and with like minded women. I've never felt so much pull to be in the company of other Maori women, following bad experiences with Maori women since being in Sydney. I have trust issues following being witch hunted by people you think you can trust and feel safe with. How wrong was I to think this. I've never seen so much literal dishonesty in my own people, to the detriment of ones self esteem, Wairua and Mauri. I considered the option of suicide on more than one occasion, as I couldn't take the internal fighting and feeling incomplete in my own skin. I didn't know who I was anymore, I wasn't me and I didn't like it. My attempts to reach out to social services proved fruitless and felt downright discriminatory on so many levels. I was made to feel that my situation wasn't significant enough to warrant any referral support, as I am not a permanent resident or Australian citizen. Therefore I was expected to follow a costly Counselling session, which could have ultimately taken the food out of my daughters mouth. How did that happen? I asked Centrelink for a referral to a social worker, to be told they didn't have any. Are you serious? So how angry was I with the ongoing circle of despair that I was caught up in and tell me this doesn't effect a woman to such suicidal extremes. I had to heal myself and I can tell you this is not an easy task. Moving was a must, I felt weighed down and lacking in motivation. This recent move has been a learning one for all of us and instilling values back into our family, values I was brought up with and values my daughter needs to be part of. My inner creative has come home, where I've enjoyed fashion drawing and art work again.
Sunday saw me addressing so much anger issues on so many levels, through my whakapapa and those I've buried deep these last 4 years. Anger is stubborn and feeds off my feelings of all kinds that have no place in my body. It would take seconds for me to lose it literally and now having taken on and filled the void with love and light, I'm finally breathing fully for the first time in a long long time. I love my small family and my family I miss in New Zealand so much. Also it's the first time I've felt grounded and complete in my ability as a Maori women living in Sydney. I have so much gratitude for Pāpā and his knowledge, Wikitoria for the seed and Jacq and Berta for this feeling I have now a feeling of genuine rebirth. In the beginning there was nothing.