Our Mother connection

I feel privileged to know, have encountered and to have learned important aspects of childbirth over the years and more importantly these past months.  I remember the important things that apply to birth and especially that of the umbilical cord, belly button or umbilicus.  The belly button is the link that we have with our mothers from birth, if you can think of the way in which we are sustained within the womb through our umbilical cord.  When we interfere with this by way of piercings, we are cutting that link from our mothers in such a spiritual way.  I am lucky to have been handed down knowledge such as this thanks to my tungane (brother) Ezard.  I believe that he plays an integral role in promoting the essence of Maori healing and it's benefits and I feel that pull as he did them years back when he apprenticed with Papa.  My skills and knowledge are no match to that of his, though I hear him chanting the Takutaku when I am doing mahi and for me that centers and grounds me even more.  I always enjoyed the way in which he would work on someone in such a manner that inspired me.  Why it took me this long to fully reciprocate the mahi, is based on my own in confidence, where I didn't trust myself enough to be in neutrality.  This amount of years on and I am thankful that I have a mentor such as Wikitoria Oman to nurture and awhi the inner healer.  It is something that we are all born with, yet something that we either acknowledge and feed or suppress until the signs are all present for us.

Maori Birth in Australia

I believe strongly that the way we are born into this world reflects the way in which we live in this world.  The effects that a gentle birth has on a mother, baby and family is ten fold and so beneficial in so many ways.  I also believe that instilling our cultural identity into our children is something that starts prior to birth and at the time of conception.  Our ancient Oriori (lullaby) have been handed down through generations and for significant reason.  Oriori told us of our whakapapa, our ancestors and the things that would make us what we will be in the future.  I believe that when a tohu (sign) arrived at the time of our conception, that it was a means to acknowledge our future.  From then we had our Oriori chanted to us while we are in the womb and continuously until our birth into Te Ao Turoa (the new world)  This is the first of many waananga that we will encounter in our lives and possibly one of the most important.  We arrive with a knowing of the world, much like that of my now 7 year old son.  After having mahi with Papa Hohepa, he arrived with his eyes wide open and with a knowing.  He had no care to cry, until he realised that he was no longer in the familiar surroundings of my womb and before long he opened his lungs, announcing to the world that he had arrived.  He preferred the closeness of my body to his and I embraced him with as much of myself as I could. 

My aim is to bring back our ancient teachings such as Oriori and haputanga (pregnancy) related ahuatanga (elements) tikanga (customs) and matauranga (knowledge) belonging to our ancestors.  Something only us as Maori people are entitled to and gifted with.  We owe it to our babies to know who they are and be grounded in all aspects of their identity, no matter where it is that they are born.  My path to becoming a Tapuhi (Birth Attendant) is fast approaching and I am sensing the yearning from my own to want this.  While becoming a Midwife would ultimately be preferred, I feel as a Birth Attendant you are better able to maintain and uphold more traditions without the scrutiny of a hierarchy in the business sense to censorship your mahi.  2012 is looking brighter for sure.

Homeless and Marginalised

It's a raw truth that people are ashamed to address but one that strikes my heart in such a profound way. I have way too much empathy and community in me to let such high numbers go un-noticed. I have been following closely the rise and fall and hopefully rise again of the charity Just Enough Faith. I have read the slander and political strong arm tactics which have seen it's founders portrayed in a manner that has me feeling embarrassed at how idiotic this federal government truly is. After making claims that donated dollars were misappropriated on gambling, it was later found in court that the only thing the Gambin's failed to do was file a tax return. I mean really? All the crap dished compiles to a whole heap of nothing and a couples reputation has been dragged literally through the mud. Shame shame shame.
What I like about JEF is the fact they are not government funded, nor are they religiously motivated. Which has been a factor in their success amongst Sydney's homeless and a thorn in state governance. Government does not want a vigilante food van feeding the homeless, because this has tax payers question where proposed funding is going to. Millions of tax dollars are ear marked to supposedly help the homeless and marginalized, yet these funds go 80% of the time to paying administration fees etc. This leaves a mere 20% for food of not even a quality level, yet this appears to be justified. DoCS spy's are placed strategically within these government funded food vans, which sees those who need it most going without due to fear. The word here is if you are not associated to a church or gov org, then it's possible you will be taken down by any means (and I mean ANY means) necessary to prove to the country our government is helping our homeless. Wrong!! When you take down and demean the character of a charity that was neither politically or religiously motivated, then I question just how determined they are to close the gap. It's about funding folks, not the homeless or marginalized. Government doesn't want to be questioned over the misuse of funds, because no one is utilizing their food vans/spy camps/recruitment paddy wagons. I'm seeing red like literally at how DoCS makes claims to their own lies, while lining the pockets of greedy church based charities such as The Salvos and Exodus. How dare they! How dare they pray on a persons situation for money, votes and system justification. Food for thought this Christmas as we all sit down to beautiful meals in our cosy homes.

A Sunday unlike any other

I looked forward to my meeting up with my Romiromi family after last weekends Wānanga. I was ready and content with taking my first steps away from Wikitoria and with like minded women. I've never felt so much pull to be in the company of other Maori women, following bad experiences with Maori women since being in Sydney. I have trust issues following being witch hunted by people you think you can trust and feel safe with. How wrong was I to think this. I've never seen so much literal dishonesty in my own people, to the detriment of ones self esteem, Wairua and Mauri. I considered the option of suicide on more than one occasion, as I couldn't take the internal fighting and feeling incomplete in my own skin. I didn't know who I was anymore, I wasn't me and I didn't like it. My attempts to reach out to social services proved fruitless and felt downright discriminatory on so many levels. I was made to feel that my situation wasn't significant enough to warrant any referral support, as I am not a permanent resident or Australian citizen. Therefore I was expected to follow a costly Counselling session, which could have ultimately taken the food out of my daughters mouth. How did that happen? I asked Centrelink for a referral to a social worker, to be told they didn't have any. Are you serious? So how angry was I with the ongoing circle of despair that I was caught up in and tell me this doesn't effect a woman to such suicidal extremes. I had to heal myself and I can tell you this is not an easy task. Moving was a must, I felt weighed down and lacking in motivation. This recent move has been a learning one for all of us and instilling values back into our family, values I was brought up with and values my daughter needs to be part of. My inner creative has come home, where I've enjoyed fashion drawing and art work again.
Sunday saw me addressing so much anger issues on so many levels, through my whakapapa and those I've buried deep these last 4 years. Anger is stubborn and feeds off my feelings of all kinds that have no place in my body. It would take seconds for me to lose it literally and now having taken on and filled the void with love and light, I'm finally breathing fully for the first time in a long long time. I love my small family and my family I miss in New Zealand so much. Also it's the first time I've felt grounded and complete in my ability as a Maori women living in Sydney. I have so much gratitude for Pāpā and his knowledge, Wikitoria for the seed and Jacq and Berta for this feeling I have now a feeling of genuine rebirth. In the beginning there was nothing.

December arrives

So today is the dawning of a new month and the lead up to a year ending. So much has captivated my attention these past 3 months that I am finally feeling the sun on my face. Which simply means I am living again. As my own critic and own worst enemy, I came to a realization that I have a fear about my potential in succeeding. I know it is a DNA imprint as I have seen it happen time and time again without progression and without the backbone to ever succeed. I can't tell you why, I can't tell you where that elusive switch to my fear is but I do know that it has been activated. On Sunday I had the honor of being a for training purposes example to my peers. If you are not familiar with Romiromi, I encourage you to seek and do. My hips gave way to my seemingly together composure (despite the fact I cried every time I spoke) which for me came from an emotional place in my lower right back and hip. When I was having Romiromi this particular spot had me releasing so much of my emotional turmoil and pain, that I was literally in pain and tears. The more I breathed back into that pain and cried, the bigger the release I had. For me this was a turning point in addressing not only my emotional fear but my fear of success. As cliche as such testimonials can be, I am so not fronting on this one. I feel and know that healing and this mahi is where I see myself. I've learnt to let go of that which does not serve me and fear of succeeding is one of them.  I have felt the isolation and the guilt of exploring things that in no way make my heart feel warm and from this stems fear, which further isolates me from who I am.  I hold myself accountable for the actions that then cause a reaction as a result of my own ignorance and fear.  One thing I hold dear to the weekend workshop, is the feeling of community I felt being amongst other Maori women and men.  I felt the livening in my heart and from there I look forward to my future prospects and life.  The new year on the horizon looks better than ever and feels better than ever.  Welcome home me, it's been a long time coming.

On a Journey with Papa

My youngest son was born in the early hours of the morning on 19 September 2004.  He was named by his Koro Sidney Maguire after his paternal tupuna Rereahu.  A significant name which comes up in both his Kai Tahu and Maniapoto lineage.  His second name Pikikotuku is from my mothers whakapapa and also has the meaning treasure, which in my mind holds double the significance.  At one week, we had the pleasure of hosting Papa at our whare in Te Awamutu.  It was significant to me to have Papa there and I was enriched with his knowledge concerning the placement of our whare (house) and what was happening around it.
We lived in a little reserve which was land to 21 other duplex style houses, with a security gate entrance, pool, gym etc.  We were situated at the top part which was more private than most of the duplexes on the land.  I gave our newborn to Papa who nestled into his arms and everyone that accompanied Papa gathered in the living room.  Before long Rereahu had fallen asleep in the comfort of Papa's arms and it wasn't too long after that Papa closed his eyes too.  Conversations still took place around Papa and the atmosphere was pretty jovial and humorous as always when many Maori gather.

An hour or so had passed and Papa woke, though Rereahu continued to sleep.  They had both been on a journey together to a big tree situated in the South Island.  It was a gathering of elders from the Kati Mamoe tribe, this was without knowing the whakapapa of our son in terms of his fathers lineage but, held so much significance considering the origins of his name.  The journey they both took together is something that I hold dear to my heart and hold dear to my son in so many ways.  It is a piece of Papa that has left an imprint on me and no doubt my son also, when he fully understands he is who he is for a reason.
Something else that was very interesting, was the vortex that was situated in our drive way.  The vortex was like a main highway to those on the other side travelling to where they needed to get to.  As Papa was speaking, he could see them walking past which for me sent some shivers up my spine.  This vortex was one of many in the area and fortunately for us, Papa closed it to prevent any further energy from finding it.  I know that my smidgen of an encounter can in no way surpass that of others and the knowledge that has been gained from his many wananga.  But for me, it's what affirms the mahi that I now do and from the place in which his teachings come from.  I have always been involved in some way with childbirth and for me I believe it is my calling.  I believe that what Papa says about the imprint of parents on a child when they are born is so powerful and so true to the way I feel.  I am greatful for the knowledge that I have been privy to thanks to Wikitoria carrying the seed to us here in Sydney.  I once again felt that my soul had come home to me and that I was ready to do what I was called to do.  Teenage pregnancy, Pregnancy and Fertility all play a roll in this journey and I intend on upholding this.  I am greatful to have the ancestors that I have, because they were and are strong people in so many ways.  Their DNA flows through my body and in my children's also, regardless of where they are on this earth.

Pāpā Hōhepa Delamere

I had the pleasure of meeting Pāpā thanks to my brother Ezard, back in 2004. I was hapū (pregnant) with my son at the time and it was a great opportunity for me to meet the man behind the wonderful. It was also the first time for me having a mirimiri during a pregnancy. Based at a clinic on the North Shore of Auckland, is where I met Pāpā and my first thought was 'Teddy Bear' I wanted to take him home.
I was amazed at how comfortable the setting was, even though there were others there also for varying treatments. I loved the moulded haputanga (pregnancy) cushions on the table which made the ordeal of being on my puku (stomach) such a relief. I remember relaxing into the mahi (work) and feeling nothing but calm. Pāpā explained to me the reasoning for treatments on hapu women postnatally and antenatally. It is common for a hapu gait or waddle to occur in the final trimester of pregnancy. Moving Pēpī to allow more room and to ease the pressure from the lower back and hips, was a total relief experienced by many. My hips had been pinned and screw plated when I was 12. A trauma that I took as something that happened and something I lived with. Pāpā worked on my hips to regenerate the cellular memory in them a bit at a time. He was also surprised that I was able to get hapu at all, due to the restriction on the hips and the way the pins, plates and screws had altered the way my hips formed after puberty. This is when he went on to tell me that, children chose their parents. This warmed my heart as I was told at 16 that I would never be able to have children. Pāpā's words rung true for me, because my children chose me. Despite the diagnoses of a doctor and despite the trauma my body had experienced at age 12. After my weekend hands on workshop, everything is touching the right points and becoming more apparent for me on this journey with my tāne. Clarity is the key here. Love you Pāpā.

My war on Moko above bums

I'm sure anyone would be sick of my rambles about Moko (traditional tattooing) above a woman's butt crack. Seriously I can't believe or comprehend why so called traditional artists are compromising the mana of our Tūpuna (ancestors) for monetary or fame benefits. It's no different to hanging our Tūpuna pictures in the toilet in my opinion and yet society, namely our own are in agreement. Our identity is compromised simply by allowing the country we live in, to dictate the way we behave. In Australia it is true that the concept of Whānautanga is non existent. We have become an each for their own culture and the materialistic realms are at full force. Why? Why do we allow ourselves to be compromised by way of our values, our language and our identity. I refuse to support any tattoo artist who places our Moko above a woman's butt crack or on her lower back for vanity or money.  Kiri Tuhi on the other hand is seen as an alternative to our traditional Moko, due it's insignificance in reference to genealogy, tribal affiliation or whakapapa. 

Beautiful Cervix Project

I am so in love with this site and recommend all woman to check it out.  It's interesting in many ways how the cervix changes from woman to woman.  It's an aspect of our bodies that we can learn from and in my opinion something we don't really acknowledge.  I hope to start my own Cervix project to document my infertility issues, but also me to understand what's happening at certain times of the month.  I didn't realize how much the cervix moves, how much mucous forms and how the menstrual cycle looks from a cervical view.  Enjoy the site please called the Beautiful Cervix Project

Celebrity Pregnancy

I read a very interesting column this morning about Beyonce possibly faking her pregnancy and I mean really.  Beyonce has far better things to do than conjure up a story about pregnancy, which had me feeling somewhat sorry for celebrity mums who are under the watchful eye of the public 24/7.  Their pregnancy no longer becomes their own and the growth of their baby bumps comes under public scrutiny.  Who is anyone to judge the size that any woman should be during pregnancy? Are reporters, readers and paparazzi truly blaze' about pregnancy, that their questioning and nit picking is evidence of how dumb and clueless people are about pregnancy?  I'm starting to think so.  Anyone who has been pregnant knows that your bump either shows sooner than most or not until well past the 12 week mark, does not call for a fake pregnancy that's for sure.  Grow the heck up people. Australia, really? Making mince meat out of a privileged interview with this centuries diva and then turning into a scandal says something about how thick this country is.  Shame on you!!!

Birth Trauma

Why I watch 16 and pregnant is beyond me, yet I love birth and can't help but watch.  I am surprised at celebrity birth and with the release of 'Business of being Born' a closer look at birthing has certainly come about.  I watched an episode of a young mum who experienced her labor in a manner that had my heart breaking for her.  Her cries and screams as she was laboring had me wonder if this kind of birth trauma, prevents young mums from birthing vaginally? It's just a question after all, but certainly one that the producers were trying to capture to possibly prevent teen pregnancies.  Questionable yet possible.  I also wondered if the information that these new mums are given (failures to progress) was just cause to perform a C Section and if this information will be taken as gospel when they become grandparents.  Holding their daughters hand or in some cases, legs wide open, on their backs and giving birth then telling them that because I too had a C Section, your my daughter so it means your failure to progress means you too will have a C Section.  I was a doula for a lady who had already had a previous C Section, as did her mother and in her mind it meant she too had the same failure to progress.  Which meant she had already accepted a C Section was on the cards.  As mothers, aunties, mentors, guardians and woman, we are all responsible for our girls and their birth experience or trauma.  What would happen if your words about birth were nothing but positive and accepting of what birth brings.  Even if this means that a C Section takes place, at least in a holistic sense.  Your mind had prepared and in your own spirit it was what was needed to bring your baby into the world.

Do I have a birth fear?

While writing my birth stories, I had a slight remembrance of the labor and birthing.  Maybe it was due to the stinking (not literally stink, but annoying) dysentery that I have, caused by whipped cream on scones (one sure way to activate lactose intolerance) Am I thinking that I don't want to feel the labor pains again, why fertility is an issue? Don't think so, reason being is I loved labor and all that came with it.  Does it seem weird that I never push my babies out?  I breath my babies out of me because in all honesty I couldn't stop them heading for the door.  When they were ready to arrive, they did just that.  Some slight impatience issues thanks to my side of the family maybe. There's a sense of "job well done" feeling after and who doesn't like that feeling.

Fertility II

Okay, now that I've moved past my obsession with placenta capsules etc I'm back to my next favorite subject. Yes fertility. I've trolled many websites looking for the elusive sperm meets egg meets baby method, that guarantees conception. While many promise this, it's never as easy as first thought and it's never as clear cut as anticipated. There's so many factors that come into play and so many obstacles which effect every aspect that in all honesty. I had no idea that it takes so much effort to get pregnant. That is until I became a guinea pig and my own best trial project for all the many ways to have a baby. The amount of information is so overwhelming and figuring out where to start and where to source the best possible advice is very tiring. I get mind jumbled and resign, before I find the next breath to continue. Where do I plan on starting? How will I tackle this in a logical, practical and affordable way? Because infertility is fricken expensive, should you choose to take on all the natural supplement advice. Not to mention if you choose the infertility clinics where you are definitely out of pocket. Infertility is so common that I was so ignorant to it's effects until I realized I wanted another baby. Oh yes roll your eyes if you must, but I'm planning a winning formula here that's right for me and my body. If you so wish to or are interested in fertility information, I have added links to the side bar to point you there. I know for a fact some of the information was right for me, but I still feel that I needed to have a starting point to continue on from. I did however enjoy the fertility diet information and smoothie recipes, but want to tweak these to make them applicable to me. Over the next steps I will go through the stages of my body, leading up to being at this point of life. In the hope I can pin point when exactly my body clock packed up to go on holiday. What lifestyle changes I made and what lifestyle changes I will be making. Monday feels like ages away, but it's from that day that things will happen and things as in fertility may kick in. I'll also be considering the male aspect in terms of fertility because it's not a one person affair. I do need my significant other to fulfill his role in this path too. He's already given up smoking and alcohol has been at it's all time low in a while, I'm so proud of him. Next step is having his sperm tested :-/ an ordeal he's not looking forward to and one I feel sorry for him about. At least then we can rule out the need for possible medical intervention as I know that I have sufficient egg quantities, Fallopian activity is certainly in order and best off all medical condition is ideal. Let's hope that Monday will be a day I start the steps to a new life.

Placenta Eating Part II

I feel I could be treading on a few toes when I touch again on the subject of eating the placenta.  For the life of me I can't get the concept around it.  Call me what you like but I don't know what to say in all honesty.  I'm aware that the benefits afterward are rewarding in terms of the nourishment factor and the way in which it nurtures new mama's through postpartum depression and I've read and weighed up all the cons oh and the pros's too, but I can't convince myself that it is necessary.

Maybe it's just me in thinking that postpartum doesn't exist in the Maori world and I would be lying if I thought that.  I know first hand that I was effected to a degree but what was it that saved me from the full throws of PPD? It was community.  It was an age old way of life that we Maori lived in, and to a degree still live in. Where our babies are every one's babies and the concept of sharing our breast milk wasn't anything new. Our normality of the present concepts enriching many lives in today's society, was our way of life.  Rongoa (medicines) were sought in our natural resources, within our bushes, along our coastlines, in roots, barks, water sources and through daily Karakia (prayers) Our head spaces were filled with positive feelings because of the community that we formed and the community that helped us to grow.  The same community that guided us through our stages in life and the imprints we make on life.  The downfall of the community ship that existed came at the hands of laws and legislation to oppress us from our natural habitation to a township way of life.  By township, I'm talking yours and mine way of thinking.  You owe me for the privilege of that resource, food, service, house and land.  With this comes the monetary value of the resource, which we will tax you for and ultimately declare ownership of it's use.  We don't want you practicing your hoo haa mambo jumbo superstition, spirituality stuff because that's blasphemy.  Or speaking your language amongst yourselves because you could be plotting against us.  We will break up your community living structure and educate you in the way of us.  This is and was the coming of townmanship to Maori.  The coming of age into modern day illness, worries, conformity's and a new way of living, behavior, mindset and value system.  Each to their own reigned supreme.

How does this relate in any way to eating placenta? Well if the one of the reasons that a mama would eat it is for the purpose of PPD and to increase milk supply,  the aforementioned preventions I suppose in a way backs my plight not to.  But, I will by no means mock or knock a mothers decisions to do so, but I think it's a decision to be considered and informed fully about before doing the do.  In Maori communities, it was the norm to see breastfeeding mothers, openly and outwardly giving what was given to them as a means to sustain our babies.  Many indigenous communities still breastfeed in this manner, which in my thinking encourages the let down of milk.  Have you ever heard another baby crying and felt your breast/s leak? This is what I mean by the sense in community breastfeeding.  This encourages us to let down easily and increase the feel good factor in breastfeeding, which in turn encourages our Pepi (baby) to feed contently.  Feeding which encourages more milk supply.  It was not uncommon to allow a close relative to feed your baby if that situation ever arose.  Does that make us bastards and weirdos for doing so? No, absolutely not.  I had my own sister breastfeed my eldest son at one stage as I was poorly and ill due to the pregnancy of my second.  When my breasts were so engorged with my now daughter, she found it hard to attach, so my partners cousin offered her breast in the interim.  I love these woman for thinking of my children and offering such a frowned upon act.  That is the spirit of the community I know and grew up in.

Eating the Whenua (Placenta)

I find it interesting to hear of new mothers eating the placenta that they have just birthed.  I'm not talking straight eating it all natural and raw straight off the bat, I'm talking about encapsulating it and THEN eating it.  Following a process of first cleaning, boiling and then dehydrating, after this process it is powdered and then capsuled for use.  That simple and apparently very effective, well each to their own is all I can say.  It's certainly not a practice that I as a Maori woman would ever consider, for the mere sacredness that the Whenua holds to us and the rites in which need to take place for the Whenua.  Having the Whenua buried in a sacred place, maintains it's rightful significance to that of the child and the completion of this step following birth.  The placenta is not stored in the freezer for a later date, due to it being in the same vicinity as food, which from a cultural perspective is a no no.  I am pretty confident at upholding these handed down practices because it is who we are.  

I had at one stage considered a lotus birth, which involves leaving the Whenua attached and the process of waiting for the cord to detach happens when the Whenua is ready.  This brings about a few interesting concepts and thoughts about how the Whenua is nurtured much like the new born.  For Maori however or for me moreso, the Whenua contains it's own spirit within it.  Ultimately becoming it's own entity, which from our spiritual perspective needs be handled correctly.  Having the Whenua within the home is likened to energy not of this world lingering within your house.  Not too dis-similar to that of lingering spirits, because it is no longer a life force of this world.  It has surpassed it's purpose, much like our bodies when we pass.  So it must be buried in a scared place, to allow it to move on to the next stage of it's being.  How do you quantify such information into a scientific perspective which enable everyone to understand? Does the term spirituality even have a scientific twin to help with my thoughts.  Not likely but it's here as a thought provoking conversation none the less.

Fertility

Has fertility ever been an issue for you?  It appears that in the last 2 years I am becoming more aware of my body in terms of its fertility.  Especially now that I am older and don't have that once upon a time youth on my side.  Also considering the amount of miscarriages that I have suffered in this relationship especially, that I am becoming more aware of me and my well being.  My OH and I have discussed the prospect of more children in the very near future, as in yesterday.  Our last pregnancy was in November 2010, confirmed following routine blood work.  At 10 weeks it was confirmed via ultrasound that we were once again expecting twins, news which I welcomed with apprehension and news he welcomed with joy.  By the time 12 weeks had ticked by, I had started to bleed and made a quick visit to emergency.  Confirming that in fact I was in the process of miscarrying.  It was news all too familiar and unreal, because technically why was I suffering so many miscarriages?  This is when my cycle came to a complete halt.  No period, no nothing and I knew that something was wrong.  After 5 months I decided I would talk to my doctor, blood tests were done and an ultrasound of my ovaries, uterus and fallopian tubes etc was carried out.  All was normal in the left until the right side, which showed enlarged eggs but of a smaller amount to the left.  Really there was no reason physically that could confirm why I wasn't getting pregnant.  Blood work was fine and yet I still wasn't having a cycle and I still wasn't getting pregnant.  

I put it down to my weight.  If I can instill more walking into my life on a daily basis, I am confident that I will be pregnant next year.  All going well with OH of course, this is a two person act after all.  I have done so much research on fertility and treatment and will be making some changes to my diet to the effect.  Changes that I will keep updated for all.

Raising our girls to be queens

My youngest daughter turns 3 in January. Both of my daughters are unique in their personalities and different in their individual view of the world. I miss my eldest girl. I havnt had the opportunity to watch her grow in to a woman and I don't even know if she is yet a woman. Information I appear to be struck off from hearing about. So before I get into the whole slanging match over this issue. I will leave it at that. As a girl, I was not coached or taught about the functions of my reproductive parts or the birds and the bees for that matter. I don't think in my youth I could have tolerated the humiliation of 'the talk' with either of my parents or my older siblings. There was one book however that was available in our primary school library. Bare in mind this was before the censorship of books and material allowed in schools. We had a year 1 to year 8 schooling system, so middle school was combined with elementary and I'm assuming this included books for their age groups. Readily available in our libraries as resources to pour over, for education purposes. I was amused as most would be, yet found it uncomfortable in thinking that a boy thing does that and our bits do this. Sex wasn't a subject I cared to know about, I was more interested in periods. Not understanding why, just thinking that girls get to wear pads in their knickers. The thought actually made me wanting to get it moreso and way ahead of my time. Girls at our school had it and I thought of them as lucky, me and weird thoughts. One time I actually thought I had, only it was dye from my underwear causing the reddened toilet paper. So disappointed. My mother was very clever at hiding her menses days. I didn't know or even once had an ounce of knowing when she was. My mother and personal hygiene were as close as close got. So I'm thinking that from a young age, my mother knew how to hide her days. When I was finally blessed at age 14, pretty much near my birthday. I had gone to a public toilet which I knew had a dispenser with feminine products and I was excited and a tad scared all in one. It was exhilarating knowing that I was finally able to use woman only products. Could you imagine how I was feeling. I wonder if at age 14, my eldest daughter has her period. I wish I could have given her a shoe box full of products and educated her on how to use them. Ways to prevent leaks and feeling confident about buying what she needed, when she needed. How to make sure she has placed her tampon in properly and the difference between applicators and non applicators. Well I've missed that boat so all I can do is dream and wait for daughter number two.

As a woman menstruating and a Māori woman at that, I placed restrictions on myself in varying situations. Just because I wore tampons, this didn't give me the okay to swim in the sea. Why? Because this is where a food source derives from and my bodily waste be it uterus, bowel or bladder is not part of the food chain.  I have been taught to repect our atua Hine-moana, Hine-Marama and Tangaroa and in me it's been an acknowledgement of what they afford us humans.

The very functions that are reserved for designated locations on land and in accordance with both Tapū (sacred) and Noa (neutrality). This involves not placing your posterior, ass or buttocks on a table reserved for food & benches where food preparation takes place. In Māori custom there is no boundary crossing of either. I cringe when I see television openly exploiting this concept, which teaches our Māori youth today how acceptable it is. We are taught from ad after ad how acceptable swimming in the sea is during your period. Our customs, practices and traditions have all been disregarded to make way for a liberated, carefree woman, who compromises her identity to fit in. Their is a lack of responsibility in nurturing our sacredness, owning our bodies whole heartedly as Māori woman and encouraging our Kōtiro (girls) to mirror this same sacredness. I am fortunate that I have grown in thought to not only consider these factors, but that of the environment also. Reducing the waste in landfills and sewers, which man is readily dumping into the oceans and clogging the lands with. Introducing the Diva Cup. A cup made of rubber or latex, which acts to cup menstrual bi product instead of soaking it into a tampon or pad. This is then washed out and reinserted as needed. It aims to reduce the packaging and disposal of packaging. Cloth made pads are readily available and can be washed and re-used. Society is such a buy buy culture now, that it is compelled to buy & throw. How much more respect would our daughters have for their bodies, if they were taught to treasure it. To accept that it is a sacred temple and to look after it. Us as parents, caregivers and extended families need to baby this effect on our girls, daughters, nieces etc. Māori Whānautanga is part of who we are.

Birth how I want to birth

I have been trying to make light of when the shift of home birth to hospital birth became the norm in Māori society. It appears that decisions based purely on say so and laws made this move or should I say forced this move. Along with the ever increasing spread of diseases and apparent un-savory conditions of Māori homes, that gave this idea of hospital being safer. This is the part that I find gets my wick up in terms of forced hospital birthing.

Small Pox and Typhoid, two introduced epidemics almost saw the near extinction of Māori. This saw a *noted* decrease in population numbers in rural communities. The passing of the Tōhunga Suppression Act 1907, saw the use of Tōhungaism an act against the law. The introduction of Māori advocates in our communities, had them monitoring the local goings on to more a less police Māori. This meant that who ever practiced Tōhunga acts was fined or jailed. A Tōhunga was also responsible for attending births, which assisted in the safe delivery of all babies into the world, by way of prayers and acknowledgement to Io and our Atua (guardians) who nurture the birthing rite of passage. Hospitals meant the reliance on a system new to Māori and most importantly new to our culture. Couple this with communication issues and a hospital environment, makes for an unhealthy spiritual experience (or lack of) in a clinical setting. A matron or two no doubt, holding your legs in a foreign against gravity way. Or for the horror in stirrups with your legs wide open for who? Oh yes the male doctor between your legs.

How degrading must it have felt as a Māori woman to show your Whare Tangata to a male who wasn't your partner or female relative? And we Māori were frowned upon for being bastard heathens with no morals or values. Appears to me, we had more concern about our personal and private functions than these so called medical professionals. Ultimately I'm saying we didn't own our births once the hospitals got their grubby mitts on us. We were forced out of our birthing zones of having immediate female relatives present, who attended to our birthing needs in a guiding, spiritual and holistic environment. Our Tōhunga (spiritual leaders) were disregarded as existing and to top it off. A private environment was no longer present for us to birth. No more Whāre Kōhanga (nesting houses births and no consideration for our needs as birthing women. We were now regarded as main stream birthers with color, language barriers and of low socio economic backgrounds, with high risk needs purely for being Māori. Try tell me I'm wrong in this. I've done my research and while some aspects of hospital settings 'back in the day's' birth wise are nothing short of miraculous. They were also nothing short of barbaric, disrespectful and insensitive. As Māori and women, our bodies were considered sacred due to their ability to sustain, nurture and bring forth life. Birth was spiritual in all aspects as was the postpartum period, where the Whēnua (afterbirth) was taken by an attendant to be buried in a sacred place. The cords were cut using a sharp obsidian after being tied off using stripped Harakēkē (flax) fibre. The remaining Pītō (umbilicus stump) was then treated with Tītoki Tree oil, then left to fall off when it was ready. Complete this process with breastfeeding and our future generations are set for the first part of life as Māori in the physical world. Once the postpartum bleeding stage was complete, mother, newborn, attendants and Tōhunga emerged. The Whāre Kōhanga was then burnt & the Tapū of all was lifted, to ensure safety in moving on to the next process of motherhood.

Our afterbirths weren't fiddled with, cut open or had stem cell cord blood leached from them. We didn't disregard our afterbirth by sending it to the biohazard disposal unit. We didn't eat our afterbirth for nutrients or to battle postpartum depression, for the fact we were communal dwellers. We had the ongoing support of the community there to assist and nurture this Pēpī (baby) as if they were their own. Babies born into our community were considered everyones babies, which ensured their upbringing in loving environments and learning from a young age the concept of Whānaungātangā (family). These are the values that are embraced very sparingly and unwillingly in some cases today.

The dividing line

With the ever increasing westernized idea of tattoos on the lower back of women increasing. I'm finding it hard to contain my annoyance at this carrying over to Tā Moko. More so for the tattooists who do them. No I'm not a prude, I have a Tā Moko of my own which I don't disrespect by putting close to my butt crack. Intricate lines which although mean very little to some, hold significance by way of the lines which create a pattern. The same principles apply to carving, Tukutuku (weaved panels) panels found in our Marae (meeting houses) and now places of notice in the more public sector. Most symbols signify the beginning of life, life forces and sources, our ancestors more importantly, stories of old & new and pay homage to those passed on & maybe living too. Why Māori women in particular, consider their lower back in close proximity to their waste disposal unit a significant Tā Moko placement. Is beyond my comprehension and morals. All I can say is shame on you!!. Oh yes this is a dig blog and rightly so. You might as well place your butt on the food table to add to the mix.
Just saying!

A perspective all the same

It appears that we are in the lower minority of women who actually express what birth was like for us.  Is it a time old secrecy that certain things are not to spoken of or that we really don't know how to express what birth was like for us.  I'm compelled to share experiences from my own perspective on many many aspects to do with childbirth and the natural In's and outs of mothering.  I am by no means a world of knowledge and I am a perfect example of a woman failed at mothering.  Which is why I share with you how not to be a mother and how not to raise your children.  I am the face of neglect to the point my children were homeless and living in hotel rooms.  I was so caught up in my new relationship and my pending pregnancy to my now partner, that I failed to nurture the previous three I grew in my belly.  I don't mind your gasps of disbelief  and disgust as you read this, because I'm paying for my misgivings.  My eldest children now live with their father, who is in hiding in New Zealand.  I know there are people in my family who know their whereabouts and have been in contact with them, so their safety in any way has never been an issue.  I just miss them and watching them grow up.  I'm entitled to that feeling, after all I did birth them into this world in perfect surroundings and with love, I wont be denied that no matter what anyone says.  I intend on contributing as much as I can from my many perspectives.  Judge me if you wish, I owe you nothing and I value your opinion to a certain degree.